Why are things so complicated?

I know I just wrote a post yesterday. But, it occurred to me today that I never did tell you what happened at the Genetic Counselor. To be honest, things were a whirlwind after that appointment. My kindred spirit Tabitha came to visit me. It's been three years since we've seen each other. I honestly thought for the most part I was holding things together pretty well overall until I realized someone besides my husband was living with us for 6 days. She saw me in my moments of anguish, anxiety, and depression. She listened to me as I talked about my pregnancies, the genetic counselor, and my fears about the adoption. She challenged me to love the Lord even more. She said to me "How can I relieve your burden?" It wasn't until those 6 words were spoken that I realized how much we've been trying to run this last leg of the race on our own. Through God's guidance she helped us so much.

Emotionally we are drained from the adoption. We are also equally drained from the fertility issues. Initially I thought it'd be a good idea to keep pursuing both, but it's beyond exhausting. Mentally we are shifting so fast between the next "crisis" type situation if you will. I was elated today because  I remembered something I learned in College!

The day after we went to the genetic counselor we found out our birthmother has gestational diabetes. Normally that wouldn't be an issue, but for us all we know is pregnancy complications (are there such things as normal pregnancies?). Given our history, "normal" issues are scary. So, the Lord has been challenging me for the last two weeks with the question "Do you trust me with this child?" "Well, yes. Of course Lord." "Then why aren't you?" Truth be told, just as the Lord has formed our children who have passed, he is in the process of forming Talitha. Ultimately, we have to trust the Lord with this child regardless. That means we have to trust Him regardless of the outcome of the adoption. Even though it's going well, everyday we are addressing the fears we have. Every moment of anxiety becomes a moment to learn how to trust the Lord. 

I digress, although somehow this is all interrelated.

As for the genetic counselor, well that was special. The counselor herself was compassionate, caring, and a nice lady. We went through talking about our family histories, our individual history, and she explained the last pregnancy. Our baby was definitely a boy (name coming soon). He was diagnosed with what is called a Triploidy. Thank the Lord our counselor had colorful charts! It is considered a rare chormosonal abnomality and in all cases it is a fatal diagnosis. 

Below is a picture of a normal karyotype (dna analysis, I think). 46 chromosomes total.




This is a picture of a Triploidy. 69 Chromosomes.



Eve was also a triploidy but because of the partial molar pregnancy these pregnancies have nothing to do with each other (http://en.allexperts.com/q/ObGyn-Pregnancy-issues-1007/Triplody-Partial-Molar-Pregnancy.htm) Although if you read that link, I had a partial molar with Eve. That means there was a fetus and there was a heartbeat. With a molar pregnancy there is no fetus or heartbeat. Both are monitored carefully afterwards to make sure there aren't complications to the mother.

Sigh, so what does this mean? It means we get to have a blood test. Because we've had 2 other unexplained miscarriages they need to check to see if there is any genetic issues with Robert & myself. The genetic counselor does not think that is likely, but we have to be through. There are a few possibilities depending on the results, we will know when we get there.

Can you imagine sitting there having to process all of this? I mean it's sheer craziness. The possibilities of having a partial molar is 1-2% (although all partial molar's are triploidy's), the possibility of a triploidy is 1-2%. It feels like chaos.

Anybody else got a headache?

But, in the midst of it one thing that is so very clear is the power of God. I wish I could convey that thought better, but my brain is tired. What I do know is that He is teaching me to value life. To value each and every child he has and will give us. We can't take for granted that every pregnancy is going to go well (because for us it hasn't). It's a miracle that any of us are alive.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask me (or Robert).

Darbi

The Culture of Adoption

I thought I'd sneak in a post while waiting on Robert to continue his series. We have had a few really busy weeks.

So this is a post that I've been percolating on for a while. Yes, percolating is what coffee does but my brain feels so full these days that it takes a while for anything to steep in. In the last several months the Lord has been working on my heart in so many different ways. This is one of many lessons. Many of you may not know that I have not had the best church experiences. The last time I left a church I was so depressed and bitter that I went into therapy and was on anti depressant's for 4 years.

Growing up in Ocala, my sister was best friend's with a girl named Debbie during high school. Eventually they lost touch. Through the Lord's grace (and a newspaper article), Debbie and my sister were reconnected in Pinellas county. Debbie & Steve felt the Lord leading them to attend Lakeside. After they attended for a while Debbie invited me to try it out because I had been looking for a new church for a year or so. I had tried out several and got so frustrated that was about to give up going to church all together. I came one Sunday around July 4, 2005. I knew this church was different but it has taken me 6 1/2 years to figure out why.

What I am only beginning to see is that this is my family. These people the work of Christ on earth, his hands and feet (and elbow joints too). After the first three miscarriages I struggled so much with going to church. My emotions were so raw.

After Eve, people brought meals because of the surgery. Erin sat with me one night and just listened to my broken heart. She also brought chocolate and a candle holder (two things I love!!!). Danielle came over with food and cried with me. Tiffany was on the other end of the phone while I sobbed hysterically. And, so many people sent cards (which I still have and treasure).

After the adoption failed & losing my job, Keri-Rose became my protector especially when Robert wasn't there. Melanie was my encourager. And there are countless people who prayed for us. Dear friends took us away for the weekend which kept me sane.

After this last miscarriage (we are still working on a name), people brought us meals and listened to us talk about our precious baby. Two sweet people sent us away to the Safety Harbor Spa for Robert's birthday. We are so grateful for that trip as well because that's when I realized how much I love the people at our church. How humbling because we do not deserve anything. When we were our weakest with nothing to give others came around us to carry the burden.

There are many more people and stories but then this would turn into a book.  

This whole adoption has been difficult, but it has opened my eyes to see that those who have cared for us over the last two years are just as much my family as my biological family is. The church, especially our Sunday school, has been the groundwork of what our adoption is all about.

It still isn't the easiest thing for me to be social (part of it is due to being hard of hearing) and I'm relearning social etiquette and how to talk to people. But, for the most part people have been so understanding and love me for who I am a broken and weak person who only because of the grace of God is there anything good in me.

Please keep praying for us as we are nearing the end of the pregnancy we have approximately 12.5 weeks to go. Satan is attacking at every chance to discourage us. Please pray for the health of our birthmother, for protection spiritually, and that we will glorify the Lord in all things. This is a heavy burden that we cannot lift alone.

With all my love,
Darbi

Why Adopt (Part 1)

If you have browsed around our site a bit, you may have noticed the "Why Adopt" page has been saying "Coming Soon" for quite a while.  Well, after listening to our friend, Ben, speak about adoption at church today, God really set it on my heart to finally start writing it.  However, my initial writings have quickly grown out of control, so Darbi suggested I do what she jokingly calls a "guest series with Robert."  So, I'll be posting a series on my thoughts about the "why" behind adoption.  When I'm done, I'll try to shorten it to something that fits in one post.

If you were to walk up to me and ask me why we are adopting, I would simply tell you that we are adopting because it is a chance to love a child by bringing them into our family just like God loved us and brought us into His family.

Of course that is the short answer, but I'd love to give you a complete answer.

Simply put, we are all quite bad people.  Sure, we may not be as bad has Hitler or some other infamous figure from history, but let me assure you, we’ve all done some pretty bad stuff.  We’ve all lied.  We’ve all cheated.  We’ve all had unjust hatred.  Maybe not very often…maybe only every once in a great while (or so we often think), but even just once is enough.

God has a standard.  It’s the standard one must live by in order to be at peace with Him.  The standard is perfection.  Hence, we’re all bad people…we’ve all fallen short of the standard of God.  No one deserves His blessings.  No one deserves His friendship.  No one deserves to even go near Him.  In fact, no one deserves to continue living…because the penalty of falling short is death.

Let me assure you, Darbi and I have certainly fallen very short of perfection.  We deserve only death.

But God, because His has so much mercy, has made a way for us.  God the Father sent His Son to earth to be born as a man…Jesus Christ…both God and man.  He lived perfectly.  He didn’t deserve death.  But death is the penalty we had to pay, so He paid it for us.  The punishment we deserved was carried out on Jesus instead.  Then three days later, He forever broke the power of death when He came back to life.

But God isn’t just merciful.  He also gave us grace.  Grace is giving something undeserved.  His grace is His adoption of us.  Not only did He mercifully take our punishment for us, but then He adopted us into His family.  He made us His children.  Why?  Because He loves us.  In 1 Thessalonians it says, “In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ…”

As His children, there is one thing that gives us joy unlike anything else.  Not just happiness, but deep, everlasting, soul saturating joy.  That one thing is pleasing our Father.  Adoption is certainly pleasing to God.  What an amazing way to please God...giving the love of adoption to a child, just as God gave it to us!  That, however, is a topic that must wait until another post.

So why do we adopt?  I couldn’t sum it up better than to quote my friend, Josh Waulk. “We adopt because God first adopted us.”

An update

It feels like our lives our filled with confusing situations and endless decisions that need to be made. This week we got the results from the last miscarriage to which the Dr. said "I wasn't expecting that"... I have heard that before. Our baby had a genetic abnormality and it was only a matter before he/she died. It's a long complicated explanation as to what happened that we don't understand yet... Unfortunately, this type of abnormality means that the sex is undetermined. The next step is we need to get genetic counseling. We are going to our consultation on March 8th.

We are still thinking of a name for this baby. Some would ask why we would name the baby? It was our child, a child whose heartbeat and body we saw. With every miscarriage a bigger part of us is tied to heaven.The question that I keep asking is this, "Why did God allow this pregnancy?" He formed this baby who lived a mere 8.5 weeks in me. I hope to be able to better articulate what the Lord has laid on my heart with these answers.

It has been an interesting 7 weeks since this miscarriage. The Lord continues to sanctify me. I told Robert it feels like having surgery without anesthetic. To which he replied, "In life there is no anesthetic."

One of my biggest issues has been fear. I'm so extremely fearful. Fearful that I will lose Talitha in pregnancy or that the birthmother will back out. I'm afraid I will lose my husband when he drives off to work. I'm afraid of close friendships. I'm afraid I will forget these children that I've carried. I'm afraid of ultrasounds and pregnancy. I'm afraid of so many things (including clowns, but that's neither here nor there). The truth is I'm afraid of losing control. Afraid of truly embracing what the Lord has for me no matter what the circumstances are or what the calling is. I'm afraid to talk to people. Afraid of social situations that involve me thinking of things to say. I'm afraid of facing the reality that life is different and that I'm changed. There have been so many days where I look at myself in the mirror and see my face, and see a woman bares the resemblance of my former self. My eyes are more tired, my body is different from the pregnancies, and my heart is in the process of being healed from deep wounds.

What I'm only now beginning to understand is that my wounds are deep because the last two years have showed spiritually where I've always been broken. It's been a long recovery.

This surgery hurts a lot.

As we continue through the adoption process, the closer we get to the due date the more we feel the weight of spiritual warfare. My battlefield has manifested itself in fear. Robert has had his own set of things as well. Satan is threatened by earthly adoptions because it is the living testimony of God's adoption of us. It is faith in action (Russel Moore "Adopted for Life").

As for news on the adoption, being paper pregnant is different from being physically pregnant. I don't feel her kick, or see my belly growing. We hang tightly to the sonogram pictures we had from weeks 5 weeks ago. I long for the time where I will see our birthmother every two weeks and then every one week as we get closer to the due date. We spend a lot of time waiting... Tomorrow we are having the 3d ultrasound done.

Everyday we are so grateful for each and everyone of you who reads the blog. You are standing with us and we are so deeply humbled by the love of Christ you all have shown.



Darbi

The feeling of helplessness

I'm writing this not because I really want to... But, because it is more important for me to address some of the issues I'm currently struggling with. There is an exposure into my grieving that I'd really rather leave alone... But, it is my believe that if I'm struggling with this, so are others and that is where my ministry lies.

Today I found myself in a state of helplessness. There were various triggers but nonetheless the "attack" began. After the first miscarriage happened, I felt such a helplessness. There was nothing I could do to keep Peter or bring him back. There was the feeling of being absolute paralyzed with fear and grieve. Every miscarriage and the failed adoption has brought with it the same attack of feeling helpless. Today was the first time since I've had this miscarriage that feeling came back.

The first few days/week after the miscarriage are always the easiest. But then the shock starts to wear off and the realization of what has happened begins to set in. Yet another one of our babies is with the Lord. On January 31st marks the second anniversary of Peter's death.

I won't pretend to understand why this has happened. I have no answers. I don't know why I'm the 1-2% of women who have the diagnosis of recurrent miscarriages (which the molar pregnancy didn't count towards the diagnosis). I don't know why I continue to watch as others are able to conceive and have healthy pregnancies while I'm still in the same trial. Women whom I've counseled through a miscarriage have gone on to have children... I'm also scared of another failed adoption. This is the 6th time we've tried to have a child (4 miscarriages and our first adoption attempt). There is no legitimate reason for me to be afraid they will back out though as this has been entirely different from the first time and they call us Mommy & Daddy. They understand the meaning of adoption more than most people do (Christan and non-christian alike).  

This is the cycle of fear. I'm so used to disappointment and death in this area that it's difficult to trust the Lord.   

It's easier for me to trust when I understand what is happening or have a specific task to accomplish. But, God is asking so much more of me right now. He is asking me to trust Him in the helplessness of where our lives are right now. To trust Him to build our family in the way He chooses (cause I'd love to have more kids). To trust Him even if I remain infertile and unable to carry to term. To trust Him if He calls us to pregnancy again. To trust Him to bring our Talitha home. To trust Him to be Holy, To be Good, To be All Sufficient, To be my Comforter. He is asking me to trust that He is who He says He is. He is asking me to trust Him when He says all of this is for my good.

Am I there completely? No. But, it is the cry of my heart to trust Him. It is my prayer. What I need to remember is how much He has saved me from. This is the same helplessness I have to get into heaven without Him. He alone has saved me from an eternity in hell... Nothing else. Not my works, not my good merit, not the virgin mother of Jesus, but in Christ alone all of my hope is to be found.

Perhaps this helplessness is what He is using to not only show me how much He has saved me from but to also teach me to trust Him now.  


Love,
Darbi