As the holiday season has begun, it brings a strange mixture of sorrow, challenges, and joys. In hopes of encouraging others who have/will have miscarriages, as well as helping others to better understand where we are, I'd like to share some of these with you. I recently heard the term "the struggle to heal". I do hope these reflect both the struggle & the healing that is taking place.
Sorrow/Challenges:
1. We miss the children we never got to hold or experience life with.Last year, I dreamed what it would be like to have "Baby's first Christmas" with the babies. My husband's baby's first Christmas ornament is hanging on the bottom of our tree because it just hurts to be reminded.
2. Had an emotional breakdown over decorating for Christmas, because quite simply I have been struggling to find any joy in it.
3. My birthday is also on Christmas Day... It is a battle to celebrate anything, especially my birthday.
4. There is a second bedroom in my house that we dreamed would be the nursery. For the most part I've managed to avoid going in there but it is still there.
5. I have to constantly guard my heart from the overwhelming sense of loneliness, especially as many people have had/are having babies right now.
Joys:
1. In the midst of all the sorrows/challenges, God is faithful to teach us that He is all sufficient, all-powerful, and all that we need.
2. He is constantly reminding us of his presence. I am reminded to bring these burdens to Him so that he may heal the brokenness of my heart (especially the loneliness).
3. My physical strength continues to improve greatly.
4. Our joy is in His salvation. We are truly learning to value God above everything we thought we held dear. He has allowed us to go through this so that He will prevail and we will learn to walk by faith.
5. Despite my daily battle with depression (pray for me to be on guard), it is amazing to see God work through it. I now grieve as one who has hope in the sovereignty of our Lord.
6. Although I am not sinless in my grieve, He is forgiving and patient with my many faults, faithful to convict me on areas that are wrong.
7. As I was setting up the manger scene around the house, this hit me. For thousands of years the Israelities were waiting for their promised Savior. One who would come to bring them peace, salvation, and was the fulfillment of thousands of years of waiting. Their hope was pointed to the One to come. Christmas should be about meditating on the fulfilled promised of our Savior. We are celebrating the birth of our Messiah!
It isn't about the decorations, the presents, or anything else (like having children). Christmas is about celebrating the fact that our Savior has come once, conquered sin & death, and this same Christ has promised to come again.
Our lives are so much about waiting right now. We are waiting for living children, waiting to heal spiritually/ emotionally/physically, waiting for the days to pass, waiting to sell our house, waiting for His direction, but most important we are waiting for our Lord to come again. We are learning that our hope & joy will not and cannot be found in our circumstances, but in God alone. I pray that this Christmas season, we will be able to reflect on the Promised Messiah of both the past and the future, for that is where our hope will be found.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Blood results are in....
After 6 weeks of waiting, which means learning even more patience, we have finally received my blood test results. These test were to determine a possible cause of the first two miscarriages (the third one had a abnormal chromosome development). They found out that I have a genetic mutation that causes my blood to clot easily. They believe this blood clotting issue cut off blood flow to our first two babies. We suspected this may be the case.
They have referred me to a hematologist (blood doctor) for more extensive testing. What does this mean? To be honest, we aren't exactly sure. The Nurse Practitioner who interrupted the results told me I'd go crazy and cause unnecessary worry by looking this up on the internet. She's right! We have so many questions about what these results mean. We are switching OB Doctors for various reasons. Our first appointment with him will be on December 6th. We are hoping this will help clear up some of the remaining questions we have about the test results. We are waiting to hear back on when we will be meeting with the Hematologist.
We are amazed by God's gracious timing in these results. For starters, it feels like we finally know what our next step is. It has been so difficult to wait, wait, then wait some more for these answers. 9 months of questioning why this has happened has seemed like years to us. It is amazing how slowly time moves when you are waiting for something, especially when everyone else seems to be moving forward in their lives. I never thought I'd be so thankful to see a specialist. The second blessing is that one of our friends also has a blood clotting issue. He highly recommended his Hematologist who is right down the street from us. This Doctor is covered on our insurance. How amazing God is to provide for us in such a direct way. Honestly, how many people could have recommended such a specific specialist?
We have so much to be thankful for even in the midst of these trials.
EDIT: Just got a call from the Hematologist. Our appointment is December 1st. :)
They have referred me to a hematologist (blood doctor) for more extensive testing. What does this mean? To be honest, we aren't exactly sure. The Nurse Practitioner who interrupted the results told me I'd go crazy and cause unnecessary worry by looking this up on the internet. She's right! We have so many questions about what these results mean. We are switching OB Doctors for various reasons. Our first appointment with him will be on December 6th. We are hoping this will help clear up some of the remaining questions we have about the test results. We are waiting to hear back on when we will be meeting with the Hematologist.
We are amazed by God's gracious timing in these results. For starters, it feels like we finally know what our next step is. It has been so difficult to wait, wait, then wait some more for these answers. 9 months of questioning why this has happened has seemed like years to us. It is amazing how slowly time moves when you are waiting for something, especially when everyone else seems to be moving forward in their lives. I never thought I'd be so thankful to see a specialist. The second blessing is that one of our friends also has a blood clotting issue. He highly recommended his Hematologist who is right down the street from us. This Doctor is covered on our insurance. How amazing God is to provide for us in such a direct way. Honestly, how many people could have recommended such a specific specialist?
We have so much to be thankful for even in the midst of these trials.
EDIT: Just got a call from the Hematologist. Our appointment is December 1st. :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
What's in a name?
A little while back, I promised to make a post about the names of our three children. It's taken me longer than I wanted to get to writing this, but here it is.
Very shortly after our first miscarriage, Darbi told me she wanted to name our child. However, I didn't take much interest in it at all. I was in denial, plain and simple. For me, to name our child was to legitimize the loss of our child...in other words, it would be real to me. I was certainly grieving, but it didn't take me long to compartmentalize my emotions. This is something God is still working on in my life. Anyway, Darbi named our first (and second) child. We had discussed names before, but these children's names were given based upon God's work in our lives at the time. And Darbi picked the perfect names for our children, for they express very well what God did and continues to do.
So, Darbi named our first child Peter. Darbi talked about Peter's name a few posts ago, but it's worth repeating. The name Peter means Rock. This isn't the kind of rock you pick up and throw. It's a boulder. A massive, unmovable boulder. This name points to God's steadfastness. When all of life is turbulent and unsteady, God is the foundation that doesn't move. When it seems that everything has been stripped away, God still stands firm. He supports us. His love, comfort, peace, and compassion do not change. After Peter went to be with our Savior, God gave us a much deeper understanding of who He is as the Rock. We didn't make Him our foundation...He made Himself our foundation.
Our second child, again named by Darbi, was Faith. While God has certainly increased our faith throughout all of this, I believe it was after Faith's death that God really focused on our faith directly. I remember Darbi and I having many conversations during this time which focused on trusting God. He taught us to trust, plain and simple...if that can be called simple. Learning to leave behind our selfish desires to depend on ourselves and trust God alone is hard. In our sin, we often turn back to our own strength, which always fails. But God was faithful to us, and taught us to have faith in Him. What God started in Peter's passing, He continued in Faith's. We must have faith in the steadfast Rock. All earthly things must fade, and God must take preeminence in our lives.
Then came our third child. God took her home, and in doing so, He pierced my hard heart and open the door to the emotions and questions I had locked away. For the next few days, a battle raged in my heart. I wanted to lock away the pain. God wanted to give me true peace, but it required dealing with the pain. God won. May He be praised for His grace for a stubborn sinner like me.
When the time came to name our third child, God had taught me how important this was. Darbi and I decided to name her Eve. Eve means "to breathe" or "to live." One of the greatest comforts for Darbi and I is the fact that our children are very much alive. And not just alive, but with our Father in Heaven. They know joy and peace in a way we can't comprehend. They worship Him without distractions or sin. They didn't have to endure the pain of living in a sin filled world, but instead have perfect fellowship with our Savior. Peter, Faith, and Eve are together in Heaven, perfectly praising our Lord. Eve's name is a testimony to the grace of God that has given them this life.
We praise God for taking our children to live with Him, but we still miss them, and we always will while we endure here on Earth. They lived and died to accomplish God's work. Although their earthly lives were only measured in weeks, God has done an eternal work through them. One day, we'll get to meet our children for the first time. Just the thought of this stirs my heart and soul. To meet both my Savior and children is a gift I will treasure and enjoy forever. Yes, to meet my Savior is a much greater joy, but that does not diminish the joy of meeting the children God gave us. Praise to the Lord, who gives such gifts of joy.
Very shortly after our first miscarriage, Darbi told me she wanted to name our child. However, I didn't take much interest in it at all. I was in denial, plain and simple. For me, to name our child was to legitimize the loss of our child...in other words, it would be real to me. I was certainly grieving, but it didn't take me long to compartmentalize my emotions. This is something God is still working on in my life. Anyway, Darbi named our first (and second) child. We had discussed names before, but these children's names were given based upon God's work in our lives at the time. And Darbi picked the perfect names for our children, for they express very well what God did and continues to do.
So, Darbi named our first child Peter. Darbi talked about Peter's name a few posts ago, but it's worth repeating. The name Peter means Rock. This isn't the kind of rock you pick up and throw. It's a boulder. A massive, unmovable boulder. This name points to God's steadfastness. When all of life is turbulent and unsteady, God is the foundation that doesn't move. When it seems that everything has been stripped away, God still stands firm. He supports us. His love, comfort, peace, and compassion do not change. After Peter went to be with our Savior, God gave us a much deeper understanding of who He is as the Rock. We didn't make Him our foundation...He made Himself our foundation.
Our second child, again named by Darbi, was Faith. While God has certainly increased our faith throughout all of this, I believe it was after Faith's death that God really focused on our faith directly. I remember Darbi and I having many conversations during this time which focused on trusting God. He taught us to trust, plain and simple...if that can be called simple. Learning to leave behind our selfish desires to depend on ourselves and trust God alone is hard. In our sin, we often turn back to our own strength, which always fails. But God was faithful to us, and taught us to have faith in Him. What God started in Peter's passing, He continued in Faith's. We must have faith in the steadfast Rock. All earthly things must fade, and God must take preeminence in our lives.
Then came our third child. God took her home, and in doing so, He pierced my hard heart and open the door to the emotions and questions I had locked away. For the next few days, a battle raged in my heart. I wanted to lock away the pain. God wanted to give me true peace, but it required dealing with the pain. God won. May He be praised for His grace for a stubborn sinner like me.
When the time came to name our third child, God had taught me how important this was. Darbi and I decided to name her Eve. Eve means "to breathe" or "to live." One of the greatest comforts for Darbi and I is the fact that our children are very much alive. And not just alive, but with our Father in Heaven. They know joy and peace in a way we can't comprehend. They worship Him without distractions or sin. They didn't have to endure the pain of living in a sin filled world, but instead have perfect fellowship with our Savior. Peter, Faith, and Eve are together in Heaven, perfectly praising our Lord. Eve's name is a testimony to the grace of God that has given them this life.
We praise God for taking our children to live with Him, but we still miss them, and we always will while we endure here on Earth. They lived and died to accomplish God's work. Although their earthly lives were only measured in weeks, God has done an eternal work through them. One day, we'll get to meet our children for the first time. Just the thought of this stirs my heart and soul. To meet both my Savior and children is a gift I will treasure and enjoy forever. Yes, to meet my Savior is a much greater joy, but that does not diminish the joy of meeting the children God gave us. Praise to the Lord, who gives such gifts of joy.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Being Normal?
One of the things I have been learning this week is how desperately I want to be normal. Even I think that sounds weird. Being normal was something that I was coveting. I wanted to have my health, my naturally bubbly personality back, my mental sharpness, I wanted to act as if my life were back to how it was before the miscarriages. A dear friend told me that "You want to be normal yesterday. You are forgetting that God gives you grace and you need to give yourself grace too." Robert has been telling me the same thing for months. I had another friend tell me that she knows that our lives are on different paths, but she accepted me where I was now and loves me for who I am today! What comforting words that paints a picture of God's compassion!!! God used these dear precious sisters to teach me a very valuable lesson. God loves me where I am at now. I need to give up what I want, in this case to be normal, in order to pursue what He wants. He wants me to be content where I am now and to wait on Him to move me to the next step. I am emotionally & physically where I am at because He wants to teach me that he can sustain me. It is only for a season.
There are many who don't understand why we are struggling (this is not directed at anyone, I promise). God doesn't dismiss our grief but instead He is calling us to work through it with him. We are to flee to Him to be our comforter. Sometimes people think that if you are a christian that you aren't going to suffer through trials. I like to call this the "Jesus Band-aid" syndrome. It is the expectation that someone is sinning when they haven't "gotten over it and moved on with life".
Throughout the Psalms, the writer time and time again cried out to God in his grief. Job suffered greatly. Their grief was not healed instantly, their circumstances didn't change instantly. They struggled through their doubts, fears, grief, heartache, etc. but they struggled through it WITH God, just as we are. To know & feel His presence with us in our sufferings has been such an incredible journey but it is one that is not over by any means. Another friend posted this regarding James 1:2 "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trails...' If the trials are to be expected, and seem to come ever so often and with much refining of our souls, shouldn't we think of trials as the "normal" way of life and the seasons of life without trials as "abnormal"?"
There are many who don't understand why we are struggling (this is not directed at anyone, I promise). God doesn't dismiss our grief but instead He is calling us to work through it with him. We are to flee to Him to be our comforter. Sometimes people think that if you are a christian that you aren't going to suffer through trials. I like to call this the "Jesus Band-aid" syndrome. It is the expectation that someone is sinning when they haven't "gotten over it and moved on with life".
Throughout the Psalms, the writer time and time again cried out to God in his grief. Job suffered greatly. Their grief was not healed instantly, their circumstances didn't change instantly. They struggled through their doubts, fears, grief, heartache, etc. but they struggled through it WITH God, just as we are. To know & feel His presence with us in our sufferings has been such an incredible journey but it is one that is not over by any means. Another friend posted this regarding James 1:2 "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trails...' If the trials are to be expected, and seem to come ever so often and with much refining of our souls, shouldn't we think of trials as the "normal" way of life and the seasons of life without trials as "abnormal"?"
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Learning contentment
I'm not one that often reads into "signs" from the Lord. This past week the Lord has definitely been trying to say something. Two major things have happened. One, I saw a piece of paper with the headline "It's time to take the next step". The second thing was a very frightening and potentially dangerous situation. Both of which the Lord is using to teach me absolute obedience and trust in Him. I'm still not sure what is next for us in our present situation. We are still waiting on blood tests which will probably lead to more testing. We are waiting daily for Him to reveal His will. We are learning to lay down everything at His feet so that we will be dependent on Him alone. Why? Because God alone is worthy of our absolute devotion. He is Holy, Perfect, and Righteous amongst so many other things. There is nothing in this world that could ever compare to knowing God in His glory.
When Robert & I went to Resolved this past summer (www.resolved.org), C.J. Mahaney (an amazing pastor) gave a message titled "Called to Contend for Christ". He told us that we are going to be going through valleys in life & there will be difficult trials ahead. What make all the difference in how we respond to our trials, is what we are waiting for. We are waiting for the mercy of the Lord that leads to eternal life (Jude 20). Every day on this earth we are one step closer to Heaven's Gates. We are one step closer to the end of our journey. I used to be so scared of Heaven. Our journey this past year makes me long for heaven. I long to see God's glory in its entirety. But, we are here now and I pray that our present trials point back to God who is "most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him" (John Piper).
One more thing... We do still grieve for our children but we don't grieve as those who have no hope. Our hope is resting in our Sovereign God who is using the things of this world to show us His power and majesty. We still have a very long, hard journey ahead of us. We covet your prayers and understanding that what we are going through has been and is life changing.
We are so thankful for your love and support.
When Robert & I went to Resolved this past summer (www.resolved.org), C.J. Mahaney (an amazing pastor) gave a message titled "Called to Contend for Christ". He told us that we are going to be going through valleys in life & there will be difficult trials ahead. What make all the difference in how we respond to our trials, is what we are waiting for. We are waiting for the mercy of the Lord that leads to eternal life (Jude 20). Every day on this earth we are one step closer to Heaven's Gates. We are one step closer to the end of our journey. I used to be so scared of Heaven. Our journey this past year makes me long for heaven. I long to see God's glory in its entirety. But, we are here now and I pray that our present trials point back to God who is "most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him" (John Piper).
One more thing... We do still grieve for our children but we don't grieve as those who have no hope. Our hope is resting in our Sovereign God who is using the things of this world to show us His power and majesty. We still have a very long, hard journey ahead of us. We covet your prayers and understanding that what we are going through has been and is life changing.
We are so thankful for your love and support.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The wait game
I thought I would hear back from the Dr.'s office about my blood testing a little bit sooner. I was waiting to update the blog until we had heard something. I called today. My BETA hormone is 0 which means I will only have to go for the monthly blood checkups from this point on. That is a huge praise because it is one less thing we have to deal with. My overall health continues to improve. We will have to wait 2-3 more weeks for the results of the other blood testing.
"God in His providence has a thousand keys to open a thousand different doors in order to deliver His own, no matter how desperate the situation may have become."
I have so much to say but will get another post out soon.
"God in His providence has a thousand keys to open a thousand different doors in order to deliver His own, no matter how desperate the situation may have become."
I have so much to say but will get another post out soon.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
A bit of good news
Yesterday Nurse Dee called. My BETA hormone/pregnancy hormone is down! When I miscarried the level was around 8,000. My blood test from last week shows that the level is down to 4. A woman who isn't pregnant has the BETA level of 0. Provided that the BETA hormone is less than 4 in the next test, I will be allowed to have blood test monthly instead of weekly.
They also withdrew some blood to see if there is a cause for the other miscarriages. They withdrew 13 vials of blood! Fortunately this is a one time test, and Robert was with me. Our biggest prayer request is if they do find the cause within the blood test, it will be treatable. I'm hoping to hear from Nurse Dee by early next week. She has been really wonderful about calling me with information as soon as possible. We are learning to trust God moment by moment to sustain us.
They also withdrew some blood to see if there is a cause for the other miscarriages. They withdrew 13 vials of blood! Fortunately this is a one time test, and Robert was with me. Our biggest prayer request is if they do find the cause within the blood test, it will be treatable. I'm hoping to hear from Nurse Dee by early next week. She has been really wonderful about calling me with information as soon as possible. We are learning to trust God moment by moment to sustain us.
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