Perhaps...

This will be a short post....

The last few weeks have been harder emotionally and being thankful has seemed like a near impossible task. There is a correlation there. Being thankful for what God has given me (and believe me there are a lot of blessings) will in turn change my perspective. Not perfect yet, but struggling to be thankful is better than giving up. When I don't understand the reasons why, perhaps I'm looking at the situation with the wrong perspective. Things from my perspective are that life makes no sense and is chaotic... Things from God's perspective "I got this my child... Just wait... Just watch... I am sovereign God. Trust me".

Applying joy?

Part of the reason I haven't written in a few weeks is because after that last post these have been some pretty hard and difficult weeks. The last few weeks have been the bloodiest fight for joy. Why? Because my spirit knows who God is, my heart is learning to trust him fully, but I'm still very much human and short sighted as to how losing three children is what is best for us. How is this pain what is best for us? As Christians we sometimes think... "Well, you know what the word of God says... Why aren't you applying it?" I guilt myself into thinking I'm a horrible Christian because I'm not always joyful. I struggle with depression. I sob when I found out that others are pregnant and still struggle to be around both pregnant women & babies. I hate being in social situations. Lately I have had more bad days then good. I keep expecting to be the person I was before this all happened. I don't want to be this person that I am... I don't want to struggle when I hear someone is pregnant or being around babies. I hate that people don't want to share their joy with me because it causes me so much pain... But the reality is that its hard.  Those mommy tendencies/desires that you get when you are pregnant, don't go away just because you miscarry... When you see so many others being able to do that it hurts (as much as I don't want it to).

Yesterday I realized as much as I want things to be "normal" or to be "ok" again, I need to be willing to let God do his work in me. I need to be patient on Him to do His work. He knows my hearts desire is to be truly joyful resting in Him but it is a battle. I forget that it is a battle. I expect it to be easy to be joyful because I'm a child of God. I forget that I'm human and not all spirit.  

It has been nearly 6 months since Eve's passing. Our second due date with Faith, has just passed. It feels like everyone else is moving forward with their lives, while we are stuck in a perpetual state of pause and waiting. It isn't that we don't want to move forward, we just don't know where forward is or what is the next step. Isaiah 40:31 says "They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." I love the act of waiting will equate to a renewal of strength. But, it is a process. It is a process of letting go of what we want and embracing what God has promised us which is His goodness. The scales are slowly being removed from our eyes to see who He is.

Please pray for our family as we found out last week that my sister-in-law Cindy is going to have surgery on her brain/spine on March 8th. She will be in the hospital for 5-7 days (in Miami) and off work for 3 months. It is another opportunity to see Him in a world that doesn't make sense, to have the scales of all our eyes peeled back just a little bit more. Pray Isaiah 40:31 for her and Derek (as well as their two kids).