Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Why are things so complicated?

I know I just wrote a post yesterday. But, it occurred to me today that I never did tell you what happened at the Genetic Counselor. To be honest, things were a whirlwind after that appointment. My kindred spirit Tabitha came to visit me. It's been three years since we've seen each other. I honestly thought for the most part I was holding things together pretty well overall until I realized someone besides my husband was living with us for 6 days. She saw me in my moments of anguish, anxiety, and depression. She listened to me as I talked about my pregnancies, the genetic counselor, and my fears about the adoption. She challenged me to love the Lord even more. She said to me "How can I relieve your burden?" It wasn't until those 6 words were spoken that I realized how much we've been trying to run this last leg of the race on our own. Through God's guidance she helped us so much.

Emotionally we are drained from the adoption. We are also equally drained from the fertility issues. Initially I thought it'd be a good idea to keep pursuing both, but it's beyond exhausting. Mentally we are shifting so fast between the next "crisis" type situation if you will. I was elated today because  I remembered something I learned in College!

The day after we went to the genetic counselor we found out our birthmother has gestational diabetes. Normally that wouldn't be an issue, but for us all we know is pregnancy complications (are there such things as normal pregnancies?). Given our history, "normal" issues are scary. So, the Lord has been challenging me for the last two weeks with the question "Do you trust me with this child?" "Well, yes. Of course Lord." "Then why aren't you?" Truth be told, just as the Lord has formed our children who have passed, he is in the process of forming Talitha. Ultimately, we have to trust the Lord with this child regardless. That means we have to trust Him regardless of the outcome of the adoption. Even though it's going well, everyday we are addressing the fears we have. Every moment of anxiety becomes a moment to learn how to trust the Lord. 

I digress, although somehow this is all interrelated.

As for the genetic counselor, well that was special. The counselor herself was compassionate, caring, and a nice lady. We went through talking about our family histories, our individual history, and she explained the last pregnancy. Our baby was definitely a boy (name coming soon). He was diagnosed with what is called a Triploidy. Thank the Lord our counselor had colorful charts! It is considered a rare chormosonal abnomality and in all cases it is a fatal diagnosis. 

Below is a picture of a normal karyotype (dna analysis, I think). 46 chromosomes total.

This is a picture of a Triploidy. 69 Chromosomes.

Eve was also a triploidy but because of the partial molar pregnancy these pregnancies have nothing to do with each other ( Although if you read that link, I had a partial molar with Eve. That means there was a fetus and there was a heartbeat. With a molar pregnancy there is no fetus or heartbeat. Both are monitored carefully afterwards to make sure there aren't complications to the mother.

Sigh, so what does this mean? It means we get to have a blood test. Because we've had 2 other unexplained miscarriages they need to check to see if there is any genetic issues with Robert & myself. The genetic counselor does not think that is likely, but we have to be through. There are a few possibilities depending on the results, we will know when we get there.

Can you imagine sitting there having to process all of this? I mean it's sheer craziness. The possibilities of having a partial molar is 1-2% (although all partial molar's are triploidy's), the possibility of a triploidy is 1-2%. It feels like chaos.

Anybody else got a headache?

But, in the midst of it one thing that is so very clear is the power of God. I wish I could convey that thought better, but my brain is tired. What I do know is that He is teaching me to value life. To value each and every child he has and will give us. We can't take for granted that every pregnancy is going to go well (because for us it hasn't). It's a miracle that any of us are alive.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask me (or Robert).