Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A temporary sabbatical

It's been several weeks since my last post. Honestly, between the shock of the failed adoption (for lack of a better term), dealing with the first anniversary of Eve's birth into heaven, and finally having time to process my joblessness after 5 years at the school, well it made for a difficult time to write on the blog. It was too painful to write.

A couple of weeks ago, I was expressing concern with a friend about going to church the next day. I was afraid that people were either going to ask about the adoption or about my job... We prayed about it. The next day a precious woman came up to me and asked how the adoption was going. Here's how the conversation went.

Woman (with great excitement in her voice)- "How's everything with the adoption?"
Me- "Uh, well. We just had a failed placement."
Woman - "Oh. I'm so sorry... Well, how's your job going? How's school?"
Me - "Um, yeah. I lost my job over the summer."

I began laughing because it is absurd, absolutely absurd. Even now, it makes me laugh. God in his graciousness allowed my praying friend to be a part of this exchange. One question is what on earth do I talk about with people? I don't have living children and am not pregnant (which is a topic that most women my age discuss)... I don't have a job outside the home... Does anyone want to hear about how shiny my toilet is because it will be once I stop writing this post. Or perhaps we can discuss the drama this past week involving my phosphate-free dishwashing detergent... Please don't misunderstand. I'm not looking down on being a homemaker. I'm transitioning to it and it is what I've wanted to be. It is a gift from my Savior.

So all that to say... Many of you are wondering what happened with the adoption and what is next. The birthgiver/mother changed her mind. It is a blessing that she changed her mind before she went into labor or into delivery. Please pray for this young woman. As for us, we are waiting to be re-matched with another birthgiver/mother. We have been waiting since the first adoption fell through. We would like to pray for either an immediate placement (which is preferred) or for a woman who is close to delivering. Our agent continues to work for us. She continues to encourage us to trust in God and his timing.

As for us, many have asked (or wondered) how we are doing. The adoption falling through was yet another heartache. My heart still loves that baby girl we weren't placed with. But, that wasn't our daughter and that's what we have to remember. But, through it all God remains our cornerstone, our rock, and our salvation. We have lost three pregnancies and one adoption, but we haven't lost our God. We haven't lost our Savior who is one thousand times more precious to us now than these earthly blessing would have been. Is that hard to say? Yes, but it's true. It is through these trials He shines forth as more precious and brings a healing that we didn't know that was needed. It is a spiritual healing. We don't deserve His grace. Even in this heartache, I don't deserve His salvation, His love, His kindness, and grace in which He gave at the cross by killing His son in my place.

As I write this, the song "I surrender all" is playing. "All to thee my blessed savior, I surrender. All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all".

We ask for your continued prayers. For the adoption, for our hearts to love God even more, for patience in waiting on the Lord.