It feels like our lives our filled with confusing situations and endless decisions that need to be made. This week we got the results from the last miscarriage to which the Dr. said "I wasn't expecting that"... I have heard that before. Our baby had a genetic abnormality and it was only a matter before he/she died. It's a long complicated explanation as to what happened that we don't understand yet... Unfortunately, this type of abnormality means that the sex is undetermined. The next step is we need to get genetic counseling. We are going to our consultation on March 8th.
We are still thinking of a name for this baby. Some would ask why we would name the baby? It was our child, a child whose heartbeat and body we saw. With every miscarriage a bigger part of us is tied to heaven.The question that I keep asking is this, "Why did God allow this pregnancy?" He formed this baby who lived a mere 8.5 weeks in me. I hope to be able to better articulate what the Lord has laid on my heart with these answers.
It has been an interesting 7 weeks since this miscarriage. The Lord continues to sanctify me. I told Robert it feels like having surgery without anesthetic. To which he replied, "In life there is no anesthetic."
One of my biggest issues has been fear. I'm so extremely fearful. Fearful that I will lose Talitha in pregnancy or that the birthmother will back out. I'm afraid I will lose my husband when he drives off to work. I'm afraid of close friendships. I'm afraid I will forget these children that I've carried. I'm afraid of ultrasounds and pregnancy. I'm afraid of so many things (including clowns, but that's neither here nor there). The truth is I'm afraid of losing control. Afraid of truly embracing what the Lord has for me no matter what the circumstances are or what the calling is. I'm afraid to talk to people. Afraid of social situations that involve me thinking of things to say. I'm afraid of facing the reality that life is different and that I'm changed. There have been so many days where I look at myself in the mirror and see my face, and see a woman bares the resemblance of my former self. My eyes are more tired, my body is different from the pregnancies, and my heart is in the process of being healed from deep wounds.
What I'm only now beginning to understand is that my wounds are deep because the last two years have showed spiritually where I've always been broken. It's been a long recovery.
This surgery hurts a lot.
As we continue through the adoption process, the closer we get to the due date the more we feel the weight of spiritual warfare. My battlefield has manifested itself in fear. Robert has had his own set of things as well. Satan is threatened by earthly adoptions because it is the living testimony of God's adoption of us. It is faith in action (Russel Moore "Adopted for Life").
As for news on the adoption, being paper pregnant is different from being physically pregnant. I don't feel her kick, or see my belly growing. We hang tightly to the sonogram pictures we had from weeks 5 weeks ago. I long for the time where I will see our birthmother every two weeks and then every one week as we get closer to the due date. We spend a lot of time waiting... Tomorrow we are having the 3d ultrasound done.
Everyday we are so grateful for each and everyone of you who reads the blog. You are standing with us and we are so deeply humbled by the love of Christ you all have shown.