"Have you ever held in doubt what this life is all about
Have you questioned all these things that seem important to us
Do you really wanna know or are you a little scared
You’re afraid that God is not really exactly what you’d have Him be
What should I hold to and what should I do
How do I know if anything’s true
I’m somewhere in-between Canaan and Egypt a place called the wilderness"
Since this song came out (yes, already 11 years ago), the story of the nation of Israel wandering through the desert has been one of my favorites. We will get back to this in a moment... One thing that has surprised me the most is how connected my feelings about the miscarriages tie so closely with this adoption. Naively, I thought if we only were to adopt those feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, fear and grief would go away. What I didn't expect was an even harder lesson in trusting the Lord. To be honest, I am terrified of a failed adoption... I am terrified of getting pregnant again and miscarrying and losing that child too. We are expecting medical clearance as of our next Dr.'s appt on July 28th (although the next pregnancy will be closely monitored).
Right now things are so uncertain. We are waiting on a placement with a birthmother (no time table as to when)... We are waiting to be medically cleared. We are waiting to see if I still have a job come this coming school year. We are waiting on the finances to come through for our adoption. We are somewhere in-between Canaan and Egypt a place called the wilderness. My flesh fails... And like the Israelites, despite the blessings the Lord has already given us, I wonder and worry. "Will we have enough money for this adoption?" "What will happen if I lose my job?" "What happens if we have a failed adoption? "How can we get a nursery ready when I don't know when we will have a child?" "How would I be able to go through yet another miscarriage?" What is the theme here? Too much self-reliance. Psalm 78 speaks of the when the Israelities were wandering in the desert grumbling against God in the wilderness. After being lead out of Egypt where they were oppressed and in slavery they were in the wilderness.
Verse 12-16
"In the sight of their fathers he performed wonders in the Land of Egypt, in the fields of Zoan. He divided the sea and let them pass through it, and made the waters stand like a heap. In the daytime he lead them with a cloud, and all the night with a firely light.He split rocks in the wilderness and gave them drink abundantly as from the deep. He made streams come out of the rock and caused waters to flow down like rivers."
God was providing for their needs... Yet, what happened? Verses 17-20 " Yet they sinned still more again him, rebelling against the Most High in the desert... They spoke against God, saying, "Can God spread a table in the wilderness? He struck the rock so that water gushed out and streams overflowed. Can he also give bread to or provide meat for his people?" Umm, the obvious answer is yes, of course He can. He just made water out of a rock in the desert. He led them out of slavery, split the Red Sea in half so they passed safely, that is just the tip of God's faithfulness.
All that to say, no matter how much God has blessed us with this adoption, like the Israelis... I only see a part of the picture. I see the desert. I see the waiting, the uncertainty, the fear. What we are called to do is trust God even when things don't make sense. Our circumstances don't make sense. But, God does. His faithfulness does. He allows this trial so that He may be glorified. I don't know why we have to wait. Our journey of wanting children started two years ago. But, "In this I rest in this I find my refuge that my thoughts and ways are not His." And, Praise God for that!
