March is the only month that we don't have some kind of an anniversary to overcome of some sort. I feel like I can breathe a little easier. Recently I was in an embarrassing situation in which someone was congratulated for their pregnancy and I couldn't suppress the waves of emotions that came with it. It is an awful feeling because I want to be joyful and share this special joy with this person, but how when the wounds of grief have not healed? What is it like to be excited to be pregnant? What is it like to share this joy with others? The concept is completely foreign, one I have yet to learn. This person was incredibly gracious, very understanding, showing compassion and grace when I deserved none.
Why is it still so hard? We see God's will and absolute goodness in this. We are even thankful for this waiting period. But, every new pregnancy reminds me of the brokenness that comes with the grief of losing a child (nonetheless three). It seems that people are often surprised that this is still a struggle. But, if my child had been older or had I given birth, would that make a difference in how long I can grief?
Recently I have been learning the true meaning of joy, faith, and trust. I believe this is a large part of the reason God has given us this trial. But, these things must be learned. We must learn what joy is before being able to fully experience it. We must learn what true faith is before being able to live it fully. We must learn who God is before we are able to trust Him. God brings us these trials so that we can learn who He is. Every struggle we've had in this has brought us closer to our Heavenly Father. Every breakdown, every trial, every struggle is one step closer to trusting God more, living faith fully, and experiencing true joy.
There are still a lot of struggles and battles to come. Depression and anxiety will always be the familiar friends of my sinful nature. But, God is with us. He has not left us for even a moment in this. Looking back I see God ever more clearly.
The other day God reveled that for the first time in what seems like forever, I don't feel like I'm suffocating as much.The suppressive grip of grief is starting to lift a little. Getting out of bed isn't as hard. Each day is a small step forward somehow, someway. Habakkuk 3:19 "The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights."
Day 43 of Gratitude Journal and I am on #402 of things to be thankful for.
P.S. A quick update on my sister-in-law Cindy. Her surgery has been postponed until June. Please continue to pray for her, Derek, and their children.
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