I don't have a good title for this post...

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you think to yourself "Wow. What a week!" This has been one of those weeks.

Last Saturday I stumbled upon a great truth in the Bible that I've never seen before. When faced with the challenges of not being able to have children, I feel like I've become best friends with the women in the Bible who have walked this road. Sarah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth (there are a few others). I was reading Luke 1 which says "In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah, of the division of Abijah. And he had a wife from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years."

Two things jump out:
1) Both Zechariah and Elizabeth were righteous before God.
2) Elizabeth was barren.

Wait, what? They were both righteous before God and they were barren. Since the first miscarriage with Peter there has been an indescribable amount of guilt that I had done something wrong. Perhaps I did something to lose the baby, maybe God was angry at me for doing such and so in the past, was I disobedient in some way? When Faith and Eve also passed away, this struggle continued. "Does God hate me? Why does he hate me? I feel so unloved. Is such and so a better, more spiritual person than I am that they are blessed with children and I'm barren?" Drug addicts are having children left and right, I'm not. I have watched many people go through their entire pregnancies and in some cases have had a multiple pregnancies, and then there's me... Still in the same trial. When the adoption placement failed these thoughts were even more prominent.

They were righteous, they were barren. Eurkea! Barreness is a struggle and a trial, but it isn't because God hates me. It is quite the opposite. He is purifying and showing both of us that He is sufficient and faithful when things do not make a lick of sense. And, nothing makes sense right now. From the outside, we must look like we are completely dysfunctional and have a giant bad luck magnet over us. But, truthfully we are learning joy and how to trust God in an incredible way.

Recently we had the opportunity to pursue a potential match. Waiting for the answer is like waiting for a pregnancy test to turn positive, except with a degree of insanity. We found out this morning, after waiting 9 days, they had chosen another couple because they were Methodist and had another child. It makes you wonder if there's something wrong with you, but that isn't thinking on what is true. Evidentally, God picked this Methodist family for this child. We want what God wants for us. Our agent did say that we are her #1 priority in being placed. She's an amazing woman who's heart is of gold.

Without a doubt, this story is so much bigger than just Robert & Darbi. This child that is coming into our lives has such a crazy story being written. A story of God's love for us, His love for adoption, and His love for His people. This isn't just about our child or our adoption. It is about Him.

I won't lie. Things are still a struggle. I hate baby showers more than ever. Being around pregnant women is still difficult (although I'm trying very hard to be). It's so difficult to wait. It's sucks to have an empty nursery. But, as much as I struggle, I have to constantly remind myself that God is still good even my circumstances are crazy.

In 6 days we are celebrating our 4th anniversary. It's been a wild 4 years (half of which has been in this trial) and honestly I wouldn't change it for anything. Robert, you never cease to amaze me.

As always, we covet your prayers and thank God for all of you.