We are waiting...

As the holiday season has begun, it brings a strange mixture of sorrow, challenges, and joys. In hopes of encouraging others who have/will have miscarriages, as well as helping others to better understand where we are, I'd like to share some of these with you. I recently heard the term "the struggle to heal". I do hope these reflect both the struggle & the healing that is taking place.

Sorrow/Challenges:
1. We miss the children we never got to hold or experience life with.Last year, I dreamed what it would be like to have "Baby's first Christmas" with the babies. My husband's baby's first Christmas ornament is hanging on the bottom of our tree because it just hurts to be reminded.
2. Had an emotional breakdown over decorating for Christmas, because quite simply I have been struggling to find any joy in it.
3. My birthday is also on Christmas Day... It is a battle to celebrate anything, especially my birthday.
4. There is a second bedroom in my house that we dreamed would be the nursery. For the most part I've managed to avoid going in there but it is still there.
5. I have to constantly guard my heart from the overwhelming sense of loneliness, especially as many people have had/are having babies right now.

Joys:
1. In the midst of all the sorrows/challenges, God is faithful to teach us that He is all sufficient, all-powerful, and all that we need.
2. He is constantly reminding us of his presence. I am reminded to bring these burdens to Him so that he may heal the brokenness of my heart (especially the loneliness).
3. My physical strength continues to improve greatly.
4. Our joy is in His salvation. We are truly learning to value God above everything we thought we held dear. He has allowed us to go through this so that He will prevail and we will learn to walk by faith.
5. Despite my daily battle with depression (pray for me to be on guard), it is amazing to see God work through it. I now grieve as one who has hope in the sovereignty of our Lord.
6. Although I am not sinless in my grieve, He is forgiving and patient with my many faults, faithful to convict me on areas that are wrong.
7. As I was setting up the manger scene around the house, this hit me. For thousands of years the Israelities were waiting for their promised Savior. One who would come to bring them peace, salvation, and was the fulfillment of thousands of years of waiting. Their hope was pointed to the One to come. Christmas should be about meditating on the fulfilled promised of our Savior. We are celebrating the birth of our Messiah!

It isn't about the decorations, the presents, or anything else (like having children). Christmas is about celebrating the fact that our Savior has come once, conquered sin & death,  and this same Christ has promised to come again.  

Our lives are so much about waiting right now. We are waiting for living children, waiting to heal spiritually/ emotionally/physically, waiting for the days to pass, waiting to sell our house, waiting for His direction, but most important we are waiting for our Lord to come again. We are learning that our hope & joy will not and cannot be found in our circumstances, but in God alone. I pray that this Christmas season, we will be able to reflect on the Promised Messiah of both the past and the future, for that is where our hope will be found.