Today was a child dedication day at church. I came in, saw it listed on the church bulletin, and then immediately left. Had any of our children lived this would've been their dedication. It has been 11 months since the last miscarriage. For the most part I have resumed normal activities, but there are times when the pain hits. It feels as though your heart is being held together by stitches and then a giant solder rips right through to the wound that has yet to heal. It isn't hitting as frequently though.
These are the times that my prayers are the most earnest. This is the time when in my weakest moments that God is holding me so close, and there is no doubt in my mind that He is who He says He is. And, it is ok that it hurts. Time after time people have told me to look forward to when we have kids instead of dwelling on the pain now, but it isn't that simple. A mother cannot forget a child she has carried, nor should she. Everyone deals with grief differently. It is ok to cry. There is no time table on grieving. It is through this pain that God is revealing Himself to me in a way that would have been impossible otherwise.
I am not writing this for myself... I am writing this to the woman out there reading this who feels alone... I don't know who you are or when you will read this, but my heart is with you. You aren't alone. God is with you so sovereignly over this situation, He loves you infinitely more than you can imagine. Somehow this glorifies Him. The broken pieces of our lives are made whole by Him. Our children are in the presence of the most High, the God who is worth everything.
So, with that I would like to announce that I am launching a Facebook group for women who have had miscarriages (infertility will eventually be addressed on a separate group page as there are different issues involved. If you are interested in leading that group please let me know). There are times when a conventional Bible Study has a difficult time dealing with these issues. Let me know if you are interested in joining this study.
As hard as this year has been I can't imagine where or who we would be if it hadn't happened. Your support has been such a blessing.
Quick adoption update: We had our homestudy interview. We are just waiting on some paperwork to clear (probably government)... We are waiting on placement. We have started preparing the nursery (which is more emotionally challenging than I thought). We have been blessed with more funds for the adoption. Besides the $1,000 donated to cover the homestudy, we have had a $500 donation, and someone else sent us money recently. We have also been blessed with the finances to buy the crib. Thank you all for being such faithful brother's and sister's in our Lord. You humble us with your generosity. We are preparing to bring our baby home (if you want to help paint the nursery, just let me know)! :)
all of my love to you and your heart.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, friend. I want to help paint the nursery!!! :D
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. The first baby dedication after we lost our son, I walked into church, noticed all of the babies, remembered why and walked right out. I spent the rest of the service crying in the connections cafe watching it on a tv.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, there is no time table on grieving. For months people tried to cheer me up, like if I stayed busy enough I would just forget that I'd had a son. But I healed the most when I faced it, grieved and allowed God to heal my pain.
It is when we have the least strength of our own that we feel His the most.