I realized the other day that an update was needed on the journey of Radical Gratitude. I wish I could type the entire book in blog post, but the publisher probably wouldn't like that. So, try to pick up where I left off.... As I will be quoting a lot I will put AV by the book author's quotes and DM by my thoughts.
Why should we practice this act of thanksgiving (or eucharisto)? Quite simply, it is the discipline of looking for God's blessings. If we don't see His blessings in the little things, how will we ever see it in the hard things of life? How can I expect to see God's blessings in the miscarriages, if I am not practicing a grateful heart in what he has given me in the little things? "Gratitude for the seemingly insignificant - a seed - this plants the giant miracle."(AV) One of my favorite quotes is "Thanks makes now a sanctuary." (AV) Thankfulness makes everyday more bearable because I'm actively looking for God.
For nearly a year I have asked the question, where is God's goodness in all this? Why did this happen? What good comes of losing three babies? There were times where people have tried to offer comfort when it only worsened the pain (honestly a hug, 'I am praying for you', and a listening ear gives more comfort than a stiffly offered Bible verse, or 'helpful advice' which only furthered my misery). I shut down from living. Talking to people became a chore and I thought "What is this person going to say?" "Will this person continue to talk on and on about their children and the joys of parenthood while my arms and heart lay grieving for the children we never knew?" (DM). Sunday's became the worst day of the week because it constantly reminded me of what we've lost... There are so many women who are either pregnant or have just had children at my church, and my womb lies barren, and they avoided me like the plague. In their defense they didn't know what to say, and may have thought stepping back was a better option knowing their pregnancies hurt me... Although, the act of protecting me made me instead feel like a leper (not that I made it easy. I completely recoiled inside myself). Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I don't want people to walk on eggshells but these were the realities of my struggles. These are the thoughts I daily battled and wondered is God truly good? We sing these songs that proclaim his goodness even though circumstances suck. But, where is this joy learned? Where did I miss this lesson in Sunday school? How do I learn contentment in all things when all these things hurt so badly?
Here is the answer to that mystery: "A good God plans everything. Everything. So a good God can only... make plans for good? He only gives good gifts? A thing of evil cannot be created by a good God? ... All God makes is good. Can it be that, that which seems to oppose the will of God actually is used of Him to accomplish the will of God? That which seems evil only seems so because of perspective.... No scripture glasses to read what God is trying to write through a prodigal child. Scrawl my own quick editing on to the half-finished story: failure... cheated... worthless (AV). I read this last night and thought "Wait a minute... My story isn't finished... I've felt like such a worthless failure as a women because I can't easily have children like every other women. But, the story isn't finished. I have penned my own ending instead of waiting and watching what my good God is doing with this. Out of the darkness he creates new life. He broke me down because he wanted me to know Him, to know joy. To know without a doubt that I am his child and to learn that this life is only a training ground for eternity"(DM). I'm learning where his goodness is in the little things today because that is what I have. That is what I'm responsible for. I am learning who God is. He isn't some lofty God who sits up there uninvolved in our daily lives. He is the "I am", the only God, the most holy God.
Monday marks one year since my first miscarriage with Peter. On Monday I will reach the 100th item on my gratitude list. The 100th item of thankfulness will be my miscarriage with Peter. Why? Because without these trials, I would not be learning what joy is. I would not have been to the point of such brokenness without this, so that I could learn to be truly whole. Our heart still hurt and we'd appreciate your prayers especially on Monday... but as Ann said "I awaken to the strange truth that all new life comes out of the dark places, and hasn't it always been. Out of darkness, God spoke forth the teeming life... Out of the darkness of the cross the world transfigures into new life. And there is no other way."
P.S. I've already given out three copies of this book. It is a phenomenal book and I am only scratching the surface of what she said. Please read it and buy one for someone else.
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