Being Normal?

One of the things I have been learning this week is how desperately I want to be normal. Even I think that sounds weird. Being normal was something that I was coveting. I wanted to have my health, my naturally bubbly personality back, my mental sharpness, I wanted to act as if my life were back to how it was before the miscarriages. A dear friend told me that "You want to be normal yesterday. You are forgetting that God gives you grace and you need to give yourself grace too." Robert has been telling me the same thing for months. I had another friend tell me that she knows that our lives are on different paths, but she accepted me where I was now and loves me for who I am today! What comforting words that paints a picture of God's compassion!!! God used these dear precious sisters to teach me a very valuable lesson. God loves me where I am at now. I need to give up what I want, in this case to be normal, in order to pursue what He wants. He wants me to be content where I am now and to wait on Him to move me to the next step. I am emotionally & physically where I am at because He wants to teach me that he can sustain me. It is only for a season.

There are many who don't understand why we are struggling (this is not directed at anyone, I promise). God doesn't dismiss our grief but instead He is calling us to work through it with him. We are to flee to Him to be our comforter. Sometimes people think that if you are a christian that you aren't going to suffer through trials. I like to call this the "Jesus Band-aid" syndrome. It is the expectation that someone is sinning when they haven't "gotten over it and moved on with life".  

Throughout the Psalms, the writer time and time again cried out to God in his grief. Job suffered greatly. Their grief was not healed instantly, their circumstances didn't change instantly. They struggled through their doubts, fears, grief, heartache, etc. but they struggled through it WITH God, just as we are. To know & feel His presence with us in our sufferings has been such an incredible journey but it is one that is not over by any means. Another friend posted this regarding James 1:2 "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trails...' If the trials are to be expected, and seem to come ever so often and with much refining of our souls, shouldn't we think of trials as the "normal" way of life and the seasons of life without trials as "abnormal"?"

Learning contentment

I'm not one that often reads into "signs" from the Lord. This past week the Lord has definitely been trying to say something. Two major things have happened. One, I saw a piece of paper with the headline "It's time to take the next step". The second thing was a very frightening and potentially dangerous situation. Both of which the Lord is using to teach me absolute obedience and trust in Him. I'm still not sure what is next for us in our present situation. We are still waiting on blood tests which will probably lead to more testing. We are waiting daily for Him to reveal His will. We are learning to lay down everything at His feet so that we will be dependent on Him alone. Why? Because God alone is worthy of our absolute devotion. He is Holy, Perfect, and Righteous amongst so many other things. There is nothing in this world that could ever compare to knowing God in His glory.

When Robert & I went to Resolved this past summer (www.resolved.org), C.J. Mahaney (an amazing pastor) gave a message titled "Called to Contend for Christ". He told us that we are going to be going through valleys in life & there will be difficult trials ahead. What make all the difference in how we respond to our trials, is what we are waiting for. We are waiting for the mercy of the Lord that leads to eternal life (Jude 20). Every day on this earth we are one step closer to Heaven's Gates. We are one step closer to the end of our journey. I used to be so scared of Heaven. Our journey this past year makes me long for heaven. I long to see God's glory in its entirety. But, we are here now and I pray that our present trials point back to God who is "most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him" (John Piper).

One more thing... We do still grieve for our children but we don't grieve as those who have no hope. Our hope is resting in our Sovereign God who is using the things of this world to show us His power and majesty. We still have a very long, hard journey ahead of us. We covet your prayers and understanding that what we are going through has been and is life changing.

We are so thankful for your love and support.

The wait game

I thought I would hear back from the Dr.'s office about my blood testing a little bit sooner. I was waiting to update the blog until we had heard something. I called today. My BETA hormone is 0 which means I will only have to go for the monthly blood checkups from this point on. That is a huge praise because it is one less thing we have to deal with. My overall health continues to improve. We will have to wait 2-3 more weeks for the results of the other blood testing.

"God in His providence has a thousand keys to open a thousand different doors in order to deliver His own, no matter how desperate the situation may have become."

I have so much to say but will get another post out soon.

A bit of good news

Yesterday Nurse Dee called. My BETA hormone/pregnancy hormone is down! When I miscarried the level was around 8,000. My blood test from last week shows that the level is down to 4. A woman who isn't pregnant has the BETA level of 0. Provided that the BETA hormone is less than 4 in the next test, I will be allowed to have blood test monthly instead of weekly.

They also withdrew some blood to see if there is a cause for the other miscarriages. They withdrew 13 vials of blood! Fortunately this is a one time test, and Robert was with me. Our biggest prayer request is if they do find the cause within the blood test, it will be treatable. I'm hoping to hear from Nurse Dee by early next week. She has been really wonderful about calling me with information as soon as possible. We are learning to trust God moment by moment to sustain us.

Whate'er my God ordains is right

I came across these lyrics for the song "Whate'er my God ordains is right". What words of encouragement!

Whate'er my God ordains is right:
Holy his will abideth;
I will be still whate'er he doth;
And follow where he guideth:
He is my God: though dark my road,
He holds me that I shall not fall:
Wherefore to him I leave it all.

Whate'er my God ordains is right:
He never will deceive me;
He leads me by the proper path;
I know he will not leave me:
I take, content, what he hath sent;
His hand can turn my griefs away,
And patiently I wait his day.

Whate'er my God ordains is right:
Though now this cup, in drinking,
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it, all unshrinking:
My God is true; each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart,
And pain and sorrow shall depart.

Whate'er my God ordains is right:
Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
Yet am I not forsaken;
My Father's care is round me there;
He holds me that I shall not fall:
And so to him I leave it all.

Our first miscarriage, Peter

These past few days have been some of the hardest. Peter's due date (our first miscarriage) was yesterday. There is a part of me that wishes I could just forget it & keep on pretending everything is ok, but honestly there are some days I'm not. There are days where I don't want to get out of bed, moments when the grief is so intense that I can't move, and days when I can't feel anything else besides the void & emptiness.

In the past, I have been so guilty of downplaying the grief of others. I would be sad for their loss for a week, then forget about what ever it was and go on with life. It is a normal reaction, but it doesn't make the grief go away for the person experiencing it. In some cases it gets worse during the actual healing process. Eventually there will be a light on the other side, but the months/years to get there are heart wrenching. Before my miscarriages, I never truly understood grief, especially that of a miscarriage. It is the death of a child or in our case, three children. It doesn't matter how long I was pregnant, they are still my babies. No one loved them like we did. If we are blessed with children in the future, it won't take away the loss of these three precious ones. It may ease the heartache, but the loss will never disappear this side of heaven.

Does it mean I am unfaithful? No.
Am I failing as a Christian in trusting the Lord in all things? No.
Do I love the Lord less? No.
Does it mean I am not praying hard enough? No. 

What it does mean is that we are grieving. Someone told me today that by working through the grief I will see God sustaining us. I will see my weakness and His strength.

In Lamentations 3:19-24, the writer states: 

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail.They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."


Why did we name this baby Peter? Because through it we learned, and continue to learn, that the Lord is our rock. He continues to grant us His great love. Everyday we are learning how to love our Savior more. We are learning to trust that this is what is best for our lives because He is sovereign.