These past few days have been some of the hardest. Peter's due date (our first miscarriage) was yesterday. There is a part of me that wishes I could just forget it & keep on pretending everything is ok, but honestly there are some days I'm not. There are days where I don't want to get out of bed, moments when the grief is so intense that I can't move, and days when I can't feel anything else besides the void & emptiness.
In the past, I have been so guilty of downplaying the grief of others. I would be sad for their loss for a week, then forget about what ever it was and go on with life. It is a normal reaction, but it doesn't make the grief go away for the person experiencing it. In some cases it gets worse during the actual healing process. Eventually there will be a light on the other side, but the months/years to get there are heart wrenching. Before my miscarriages, I never truly understood grief, especially that of a miscarriage. It is the death of a child or in our case, three children. It doesn't matter how long I was pregnant, they are still my babies. No one loved them like we did. If we are blessed with children in the future, it won't take away the loss of these three precious ones. It may ease the heartache, but the loss will never disappear this side of heaven.
Does it mean I am unfaithful? No.
Am I failing as a Christian in trusting the Lord in all things? No.
Do I love the Lord less? No.
Does it mean I am not praying hard enough? No.
What it does mean is that we are grieving. Someone told me today that by working through the grief I will see God sustaining us. I will see my weakness and His strength.
In Lamentations 3:19-24, the writer states:
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail.They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
Why did we name this baby Peter? Because through it we learned, and continue to learn, that the Lord is our rock. He continues to grant us His great love. Everyday we are learning how to love our Savior more. We are learning to trust that this is what is best for our lives because He is sovereign.
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