The feeling of helplessness

I'm writing this not because I really want to... But, because it is more important for me to address some of the issues I'm currently struggling with. There is an exposure into my grieving that I'd really rather leave alone... But, it is my believe that if I'm struggling with this, so are others and that is where my ministry lies.

Today I found myself in a state of helplessness. There were various triggers but nonetheless the "attack" began. After the first miscarriage happened, I felt such a helplessness. There was nothing I could do to keep Peter or bring him back. There was the feeling of being absolute paralyzed with fear and grieve. Every miscarriage and the failed adoption has brought with it the same attack of feeling helpless. Today was the first time since I've had this miscarriage that feeling came back.

The first few days/week after the miscarriage are always the easiest. But then the shock starts to wear off and the realization of what has happened begins to set in. Yet another one of our babies is with the Lord. On January 31st marks the second anniversary of Peter's death.

I won't pretend to understand why this has happened. I have no answers. I don't know why I'm the 1-2% of women who have the diagnosis of recurrent miscarriages (which the molar pregnancy didn't count towards the diagnosis). I don't know why I continue to watch as others are able to conceive and have healthy pregnancies while I'm still in the same trial. Women whom I've counseled through a miscarriage have gone on to have children... I'm also scared of another failed adoption. This is the 6th time we've tried to have a child (4 miscarriages and our first adoption attempt). There is no legitimate reason for me to be afraid they will back out though as this has been entirely different from the first time and they call us Mommy & Daddy. They understand the meaning of adoption more than most people do (Christan and non-christian alike).  

This is the cycle of fear. I'm so used to disappointment and death in this area that it's difficult to trust the Lord.   

It's easier for me to trust when I understand what is happening or have a specific task to accomplish. But, God is asking so much more of me right now. He is asking me to trust Him in the helplessness of where our lives are right now. To trust Him to build our family in the way He chooses (cause I'd love to have more kids). To trust Him even if I remain infertile and unable to carry to term. To trust Him if He calls us to pregnancy again. To trust Him to bring our Talitha home. To trust Him to be Holy, To be Good, To be All Sufficient, To be my Comforter. He is asking me to trust that He is who He says He is. He is asking me to trust Him when He says all of this is for my good.

Am I there completely? No. But, it is the cry of my heart to trust Him. It is my prayer. What I need to remember is how much He has saved me from. This is the same helplessness I have to get into heaven without Him. He alone has saved me from an eternity in hell... Nothing else. Not my works, not my good merit, not the virgin mother of Jesus, but in Christ alone all of my hope is to be found.

Perhaps this helplessness is what He is using to not only show me how much He has saved me from but to also teach me to trust Him now.  


Love,
Darbi