Living Radically Thankful Part 2

I realized the other day that an update was needed on the journey of Radical Gratitude. I wish I could type the entire book in blog post, but the publisher probably wouldn't like that. So, try to pick up where I left off.... As I will be quoting a lot I will put AV by the book author's quotes and DM by my thoughts.

Why should we practice this act of thanksgiving (or eucharisto)? Quite simply, it is the discipline of looking for God's blessings. If we don't see His blessings in the little things, how will we ever see it in the hard things of life? How can I expect to see God's blessings in the miscarriages, if I am not practicing a grateful heart in what he has given me in the little things? "Gratitude for the seemingly insignificant - a seed - this plants the giant miracle."(AV)  One of my favorite quotes is "Thanks makes now a sanctuary." (AV) Thankfulness makes everyday more bearable because I'm actively looking for God.

For nearly a year I have asked the question, where is God's goodness in all this? Why did this happen? What good comes of losing three babies? There were times where people have tried to offer comfort when it only worsened the pain (honestly a hug, 'I am praying for you', and a listening ear gives more comfort than a stiffly offered Bible verse, or 'helpful advice' which only furthered my misery). I shut down from living. Talking to people became a chore and I thought "What is this person going to say?" "Will this person continue to talk on and on about their children and the joys of parenthood while my arms and heart lay grieving for the children we never knew?" (DM). Sunday's became the worst day of the week because it constantly reminded me of what we've lost... There are so many women who are either pregnant or have just had children at my church, and my womb lies barren, and they avoided me like the plague. In their defense they didn't know what to say, and may have thought stepping back was a better option knowing their pregnancies hurt me... Although, the act of protecting me made me instead feel like a leper (not that I made it easy. I completely recoiled inside myself). Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I don't want people to walk on eggshells but these were the realities of my struggles. These are the thoughts I daily battled and wondered is God truly good? We sing these songs that proclaim his goodness even though circumstances suck. But, where is this joy learned? Where did I miss this lesson in Sunday school? How do I learn contentment in all things when all these things hurt so badly?   

Here is the answer to that mystery: "A good God plans everything. Everything. So a good God can only... make plans for good? He only gives good gifts? A thing of evil cannot be created by a good God? ... All God makes is good. Can it be that, that which seems to oppose the will of God actually is used of Him to accomplish the will of God? That which seems evil only seems so because of perspective.... No scripture glasses to read what God is trying to write through a prodigal child. Scrawl my own quick editing on to the half-finished story: failure... cheated... worthless (AV). I read this last night and thought "Wait a minute... My story isn't finished... I've felt like such a worthless failure as a women because I can't easily have children like every other women. But, the story isn't finished. I have penned my own ending instead of waiting and watching what my good God is doing with this. Out of the darkness he creates new life. He broke me down because he wanted me to know Him, to know joy. To know without a doubt that I am his child and to learn that this life is only a training ground for eternity"(DM). I'm learning where his goodness is in the little things today because that is what I have. That is what I'm responsible for. I am learning who God is. He isn't some lofty God who sits up there uninvolved in our daily lives. He is the "I am", the only God, the most holy God.

Monday marks one year since my first miscarriage with Peter. On Monday I will reach the 100th item on my gratitude list. The 100th item of thankfulness will be my miscarriage with Peter. Why? Because without these trials, I would not be learning what joy is. I would not have been to the point of such brokenness without this, so that I could learn to be truly whole. Our heart still hurt and we'd appreciate your prayers especially on Monday... but as Ann said "I awaken to the strange truth that all new life comes out of the dark places, and hasn't it always been. Out of darkness, God spoke forth the teeming life... Out of the darkness of the cross the  world transfigures into new life. And there is no other way."

P.S. I've already given out three copies of this book. It is a phenomenal book and I am only scratching the surface of what she said. Please read it and buy one for someone else.

A holy experience - Living Radically Thankful

First, thank you to all who read this. Your prayers and support through this past year have been amazing. When I think of all of you Paul's words in Phil 1: 3 comes to mind. "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy,because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now".

An update, yesterday we were supposed to have our new OB's appt. to see if this Dr. is the right one for us. There was a miscommunication and they scheduled me for the wrong Dr. My choice was to either wait til Mid-March to see the Dr. I was planning on seeing, or to see another Dr. (who was just as highly recommended to me) on January 31st. Because I need the monthly blood testing, I decided to go with the other Dr. I feel that God is truly leading us to the right Dr. Exactly a year ago on January 31st was the date of my first miscarriage with Peter. At the beginning of January, I was paralyzed with anxiety about this anniversary date.... paralyzed. It felt as though we had just lost Peter all over again. In talking with people about multiple miscarriages, there is always one loss of pregnancy that is harder than the rest. My first miscarriage was emotionally the worst by far. Faith, was more of shock that it happened again and Eve's death brought (and continues to bring) a healing both spiritually & physically that can only be attributed to God's grace.

So, how can we begin through all of this tragedy to have something more? At the recommendation of my dear friend Melanie, I bought the book "One Thousand Gifts - A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are" by Ann Voskamp. To be honest at first, I don't know why I kept reading this book other than the hope it'd get better. The first chapter is heart breaking. She talks about the horrific death of her sister when she was a very young child. It is easier to listen to someone who has experienced grief than it is to listen to someone who has not (especially the loss of a child, which brings a pain that is undescribeable). Ann Voskamp is someone who has lived through grief and had the same questions I've been silently asking myself for the last year.

"When you bury a child - or when you just simply get up every day & live life raw - you  murmur the questions soundlessly... Can there be a good God? A God who graces with good gifts when a crib lies empty through long nights, and bugs burrow through coffins? Where is God, really? How can He be good when babies dies, and marriages implode, and dreams blow away, dust in the wind?... Where hides this joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, & how do I fully live when life is full of hurt? How do I wake up to joy & grace & beauty & all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses & crushed dreams & all that empties me out?"

Oh! These are the very words of my heart. Her solution? Live a radically thankful life. "As long as thanks is possible, joy is always possible." Her challenge to come up with one thousand things to be thankful for. Instead of dwelling on the things that are bad, we replace it by being thankful for what is good. I'm not doing this book justice by any means. In a few days I will be posting more on the philosophy of one thousand thanks. I would like you all to join me on my journey as I begin to "Live a Radically Thankful Life".

I am writing down 5 things I am thankful for everyday. In 6 months I will have one thousand gifts. They can be anything (mowed grass, an organized closet, or bigger things, whatever). I would like you to also join me in writing down your own set of 5 things a day to be thankful for.

Darbi


REVISION: Ann's website is  http://www.aholyexperience.com. Her book is number #13 on hot selling books on Amazon. :)

Dealing with grief

Today I was poking around on the internet and came across a great article on dealing with grief (or rather how to help others deal with grief). I will post the link at the bottom but am cutting and pasting a few items that are noteworthy. One of my hopes is that this better explains why miscarrying a child is so difficult and how to help others go through the aftermath. One in four pregnancies end in an early pregnancy miscarriage. I also post this partly because it helps to know that there are others who experience this.

"For many families, the instant you knew you were pregnant, your life changed forever.  Whether you were feeling joy or apprehension, this new baby was an important part of your future.  The feelings you have after the death of a baby can be overwhelming and intense, as the death of a baby at any stage is a very real loss.  You will not only begin a journey of recovering physically, but also emotionally and spiritually....

When a baby dies, so many expectations and hopes were shattered, and now you are finding ways to put the pieces of life back together when some of them don’t fit anymore... 

One misconception is that the shorter the baby’s life, the easier the grief process.  The opposite is true.  Chances are that the person is grieving not only the loss of his or her baby, but their pregnancy or hopes and dreams for the future....  

Avoid giving advice.  There are no rules that define how one should feel or how soon one will return to the norms of daily life.

(Listed under "Friend’s Grief")

I’ve never experienced the loss of a baby.  What am I supposed to do to make my friends feel better?

No matter what you say or do, there is nothing that will make your friends “feel better.”  Fortunately there are some ideas that will help you be a part of their experience and will help them through their grief.

If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything.  Sometimes just being with them or offering a hug is enough.  It’s all right not to know what to say.  Say, “I’m sorry this happened,” or “This is so awful, I don’t know what to say.” Respond to your friends’ grief just as if any other member of their family had died.  Send flowers, sympathy cards, share special remembrances, and make a phone call, make or bring dinner.  Even though this baby’s life was short, your friends lost their hopes and future too.

It’s been a couple of months.  Why aren’t my friends over the loss of their baby?

The death of a baby is very sad and life altering.  The intense grieving can take up to 24 months, not all of them spent in deep sadness.  The best thing for you to do is help them through their grief.  Ask sincerely, “How are you?” and be ready to listen.  Sometimes parents can verbalize what they need from you, so you will know what you can do or say to comfort them.

Grieving parents may be saddened at certain times of the year or by special events, like birthdays, due date, delivery date, Mother’s or Father’s Day, because they are reminded that their baby is not here.  Your friends need your support and acknowledgment during these days."

Although our path continues to be one of great pain, it is also one of great spiritual growth. We can see now how much God has been our rock and fortress during the past year. Our future continues to look chaotic, but He knows why. He knows that somehow through this, we will bring him the most glory. Psalm 90 is a beautiful psalm that reminds me of the magnitude of who God is. "Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God." He is the God from everlasting to everlasting and the chief purpose (and only purpose) of our lives will be to glorify Him. This is the path He has chosen for us and He will not forsake us. In the darkest parts of our lives, we see His radiant beauty shining.



http://www.nationalshare.org/Grief-Questions.html

One step at a time

As promised here is the Hematologist report. They did not find anything another blood clotting issues. In fact the test results are pretty much the same as last time. Test are conclusive that I do have an elevated level of anticardiolipin. The level is in the middle range (although on the lower side of the range). Because of this, I am at a higher risk for miscarriages. This level can also elevate during pregnancy so it can change. We asked several questions regarding pregnancy. Because this is outside of her scope of practice, she said numerous times "You need to see a High Risk OB." This is encouraging because we know what our next step is. God continues to tell us to wait on Him and trust him through this day by day.

I find it funny that there were days before we knew these terms. They have become so much apart of this new life. We have a very different ministry to those who have experienced the pain of miscarriages and the struggles of infertility. Never in a billion years would we have thought we'd be here. I still wish I could forget this year and go back to how it was before all of this happened. Another dear friend reminded me that we cannot go back to that "before". It's impossible. And she is right. To go back would be to miss out on some very important and key things that the Lord has taught us and it would be to deny Him His glory. We aren't always sure exactly what God is doing, but we are learning to rest in His arms and His sovereignty.

Isaiah 33:2
O LORD, be gracious to us; we wait for you.
   Be our arm every morning,
   our salvation in the time of trouble.

So, our next step... To glorify the Lord to the best of our ability this holiday season. We thank God for all of you. I know that some of you who have read this have walked a similar path before us and there are others who have not. We appreciate all of you and covet your prayers.

Merry Christmas!

A long overdue update

It has been awhile since our last update. A part of me hates writing this blog because it serves as a reminder of a year that in my flesh I'd rather forget. Only last night I realized that there will always be reminders of this year. Daily it is a fight between what I feel/think with the eyes of my flesh vs. the spirit who sees the faithfulness and greatness of God through this year. Looking back I can see how much God has been my anchor through these months. There was a point where there was no hope, no joy, no peace, just the shell of the woman I once was and death seemed to be the only thing to look forward to.  Everything my hope was in was slowly and painfully stripped away until there was nothing left... except God. He has remained faithful, merciful, amazing despite my lack of trust, faith, hope.

So, with that... There was a good update from the new OB (although I will be transferring to another Dr. come the new year). He said that as long as my test results continue to come back clear, we only have to wait 10-11 months to try again (although we may just wait the full 12 months). If there are any complications from my pregnancy with Eve they would have manifested by that point. He also came up with a game plan for my next pregnancy. It is a three fold approach. As soon as I get pregnant I need to start a progesterone treatment, take folate (which is a huge amount of folic acid as my body doesn't absorb it like it should), and depending on what the Hematologist says tomorrow I will either be on Heparin or baby aspirin. Tomorrow we find out the extent of the results of the blood clotting problem. I also will start taking a B complex vitamin as it will help my body to absorb the folic acid. I didn't want to post this because it is hard to think that a healthy pregnancy or even having children will ever be possible. Tomorrow I will post the Hematologist report.


A dear friend of mine recommended that I listen to this song by Sara Groves "Less Like Scars". This is exactly how I feel especially the line "It's less like a casket, more like a womb".

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

And more like Character

The blessings of thorns

A friend of mine recommended me to another blog of a woman who lost her newborn daughter Ella to anencephaly (http://carryingella.blogspot.com). The new quote at the right comes from this site. I need it as a constant reminder. All that to say, this story really moved me. There are a lot of emotions that this story address that I have struggled with. What a great reminder of the God whom we serve.

THE BLESSING OF THORNS...

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor  automobile accident stole her ease.During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I....I need an arrangement, "stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving? "Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. " Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi Barbara...let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped...there were no flowers. "Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile.

"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest. "Uhh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uhh... she just left with no flowers!" "Right...I cut off the flowers. That's the Special... I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. "Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that?" exclaimed Sandra. "Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery." "That same year I had lost my husband, "continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel. "So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for good things in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others. "Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God." Just then someone else walked in the shop.

"Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ....twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator. "Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra doubtingly. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that? "No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny" times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks to Him for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too... fresh." "Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns." Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out. "I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute." "Thank you. What do I owe you?" asked Sandra. "Nothing." said the clerk. "Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me. "The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you'd like to read it first."

It read:
"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."

The moral of this story: Thank God for your thorns.

The Hematologist

To start off this blog post I must share something I thought was rather funny. I had a student yesterday comment to me that "Your life is fine. You have a job, you know what you will be doing tomorrow... etc...". This student on the other hand was upset because he didn't know what his future held, what career he would have, whom he would marry. To him my life appeared to be fine because I am in my 30's, married, and have a job.

The truth of the matter is that we are all waiting on something... Our journey is no different. We went to the Hematologist today, who is amazing. She was very kind and answered all of our questions. Here are some of the highlights:

1) This is a genetic issue.

2) She said that my body cannot properly absorb folic acid. This is crucial for developing babies and prevents things such as Spina Bifida. She wants me to start taking a B complex vitamin to help my body absorb the extra Folic Acid. 


3) They took 7 vials of blood to help pinpoint my blood clotting factor as well as reveal if there are other blood clotting issues. This will help us know exactly what we are dealing with (in regards to my blood) as well as what step to take next.

4) They don't know if the MTHFR mutation caused the miscarriages. We are in the early stages of the testing. When I asked her if we could ever have a healthy pregnancy she said "There are a lot of things we don't know yet. It could be another issue... I only deal with blood."

A single mutation of the MTHFR gene is very common. There is no conclusive data as to whether or not it causes miscarriages. Some believe yes, others say no.


What does this mean? Well, it means more waiting, more testing, and then more waiting.... Our next appointment is December 22nd. We are praying fervently that the Lord will guard our hearts since this is so close to Christmas. May we learn to have hearts of gratitude for all the blessings the Lord has given us. 

EDIT: The reason I asked about the healthy pregnancy is the Nurse Practioner at the OB's office said that all it would take to have a viable pregnancy is some medication. I was hoping to have that affirmation from the Hematologist. There is hope, but I realized that we won't have cut and dry answer for a while. We are hopeful that the next set of blood test will reveal more answers.